A quick joke » Forum Post by General Homsar

Mystikmind

Join Date 06/2004

+20

Same thing happens when you put vietnamese bread near french bread, or russian bread!

Here is a nice Australian joke for you....

There was a guy who worked on a sheep farm and he had a bad habbit of wasting allot of time crapping in the bushes. Every time the boss wanted him, he would be off crapping in the bushes again! So the boss got fed up and said to him that if he keeps doing that, his guts will fall out.

The next day, sure enough he was off crapping in the bushes again, so the boss thought "right, i'll fix him". The boss went into the field and found a freshly dead sheep which was full of maggots. He removed the intestines and then crept up to where the worker was crapping and quietly placed the sheeps guts under him without being noticed.

Later on the worker walks up to the boss and says "you know how you said that my guts would fall out if i kept crapping all the time?" "yea" said the boss, "well they did" said the worker, then before the boss could say anything else, the worker went on to say "well i didn't feel anything when they fell out, but getting them back in was a real basted"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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LMAO!!

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LOL at the second one!

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Mystikmind

Join Date 06/2004

+20

LMAO!!

LOL at the second one!

hehehe thanks, i think that is about the best joke i know

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My God, you Australians have some disgusting jokes!!!

(Well, who doesn't?)

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i liked BOTH jokes. French bread surrendeding.. lol

ok here's one i have laying araound:

Story with a Moral

Once upon a time, and far far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

The moral of the story - - - - - - - - - - -- Pay your bills

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Haha, Ive heard that one.

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Oh my god......

Funny jokes!

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Here's one for you:

Get a life!!!!
Bloody vulgar jokes!!!
There might be children here!!!

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Mystikmind

Join Date 06/2004

+20

CaptainYar

hahaha that's a good joke! brilliant!!

Here's one for you:

Get a life!!!!
Bloody vulgar jokes!!!
There might be children here!!!

Actually we just need to avoid 'R' rated jokes and foul language.

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Here's annother one:

A famous director goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him if he wants to make one last movie. "Nope, I just want to realax." says the director. "But you'll have a dream team,"
Saint Peter says. "Leonardo da Vici will design the sets, Shakespere will write the script, and Beetoven will compose the score." "Alright, I'll do it." the director responds. "Great!", said Saint Peter, "but there's one problem: God has this friend who thinks he can act..."

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Neilo

Join Date 04/2006

+128

Get a life!!!!
Bloody vulgar jokes!!!
There might be children here!!!

Sigh....

What rock have you been living under? Got kids have you? If so what do you think they hear at school?

Anyone with enough knowledge to have an account on these forums is old enough to hear a little naughty joke from time to time.

Why don't you go watch Oprah, i'm sure she might be more to your liking.

Someone please pass him the tissues.......

Funny fraking jokes too by the way...

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yet annother joke:

A woman is taking a nature hike when she sees a frog stuchk under a rock and releases it. The frog tells her he will give her three wishes but whatever the wish is, her husband will get times ten. "I wish I waqs the richest woman in the world!" she says. "You know that your husband will be the richest amn in the GALAXY, right?",' asks the frog. Y"Yes, but he's a penny-pincher and won't do a thing with the money." she says. POOF! she is now the richest woman in the world! "Okay, now for the second wish.", the frog says. "Now, I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world!" the woman yells. "Your hus band will get this tenfold, an Adonnis other girls will flock to." the frog warns. "That's okay, he only has eyes for me." the woman says. ZAP! she is now the most beautiful woman in the world! "And your final wish?" the frog asks. The woman thinks for five seconds, smilies evily and says "Now, I'd like a mild heart attack."

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Funny fraking jokes too by the way...

Do you mean all of them?

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Here's one. Three Nuns (you know it's going to be good now) go to heaven. Saint Peter meets them and says, "the three of you are our have led exceptionally saintly lives, and for that reason, as an extra reward, we are allowing you to go back and live the life of any one you choose."
The Nuns are very excited and happy.
The first Nun says, “I want to live the life of the Virgin Mary.”
“Excellent choice,” says Saint Peter and sends her off.
The second Nun says, “I want to live the life of Mother Teresa.”
“Wonderful,” says Saint Peter and sends her off.
The third Nun says, “I want to live the life of Virginia Piplini.”
“Great…who?” asks Saint Peter puzzled.
“Virginia Pipilini,” affirms the Nun.
So Saint Peter goes to the book of life and searches thoroughly through the proper pages. After a long while Saint Peter says, “I just can’t find Virginia Pipilini anywhere in the book of life. Are you sure she was a real person?”
The Nun says, “Yes, I read about her in an American newspaper.” The Nun pulls out a clipping with a bold headline: “VIRGINIA PIPELINE LAID BY OVER 500 MEN.”

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Neilo

Join Date 04/2006

+128

Do you mean all of them?

Yep!

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Mystikmind

Join Date 06/2004

+20

"Now, I'd like a mild heart attack."

hahahaha that is definately a good joke!!

It reminded me of this fairly common joke.... a woman goes into hospital to have her baby and the doctor says they have a new device that can transfer a portion of the pain over to the father.

So the husband of course not wanting to look weak, agrees to using the device. The labor progressed and became very painful so the doctor turned on the device and transfered some of the pain, and the husband says, no problem, give me more, so the doctor does, no problem again says the husband, give me more, cm'on this is a breeze, so the doctor turns up the device to full power for the remainder of the birth.

After the birth the couple return home and find the milkman laying dead on their doorstep!!!

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Here is a variation of the three Nuns one.

Two Nuns and a Mother superior were at the Pearly gates.
Saint Peter says. " I have to ask you the obligatory question to get it, but I will make it easy."
He asks the first Nun. " What were the names of the first two people in the World?"
" That's easy. Adam and Eve. "
" Correct. In you go ."
He asks the second Nun. " Where did they live ? "
" That is an easy one. The Garden of Eden ."
" Correct. In you go ."

" Now Mother Superior. Your question has to be more difficult. What did Eve say when she first saw Adam ? "

" Ooo, that's a hard one. "
" Correct. In you go ."

By the way. Got that one from my Kids.

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Mystikmind

Join Date 06/2004

+20

" Ooo, that's a hard one. "

ahhhahaha, i had to laugh out loud for that one! brilliant

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Thanks. I meant Grand Kids not kids.

They think Gran is cool and can talk to me about anything.
I find that very touching...and revealing.

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Mystikmind

Join Date 06/2004

+20

Thanks. I meant Grand Kids not kids.

They think Gran is cool and can talk to me about anything.
I find that very touching...and revealing.

Np,

so your a granma? kewl, my mom really dousn't know how to play computer games at all, but when my sisters kids are around, poor granma gets roled into playing,,, she tries hard, it is so funny, i love my mom, top marks to her for trying anyway

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*immataing Monty Python*

And now for something completly different....cow rainbow.

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I made this one up -
No one is sure where the word "Algebra" really came from. The debate still continues in dusty professorial clubs across the world. Some say from the Arabic language, some say from Greek, but here is the real story.
Long ago there was this mediocre King, and he wanted desperately to be remembered for something, but he just couldn't think of any way to do that. One day, he heard some people talking about the cool formulas for figuring out things the sailors were using. How to tell how high a mast should be for a certain amount of sail, stuff like that. The mediocre King thought ... "A Ha!" Then he put his talents to work. He hired a bunch of scribes, sent them all out on the ships for 6 months to a year with pen and paper, and told them to report back as soon as ther ships returned. While out on the ocean, the lubberly scribes observed and noted many new and wonderful things. When they returned the mediocre King locked them up in cells in the dungeon, one by one, as they returned with the valuable info. When they all were back, and he had the notes to compile the Book that would make him famous, and just before he had them all done away with to protect his reputation, he felt a sudden stab of compassion. He gathered them all together in the main torture hall and spoke to them, saying: "You have served me well, and I will allow you a great honor in return - I will let you name this new science, just before I have William here chop your heads off. What name shall the world know this wonderful science by henceforth?" One and all, the poor little doomed scribes whispered " Algae Bra! Algae Bra! "

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Neilo

Join Date 04/2006

+128

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I made this one up -
No one is sure where the word "Algebra" really came from. The debate still continues in dusty professorial clubs across the world. Some say from the Arabic language, some say from Greek, but here is the real story.
Long ago there was this mediocre King, and he wanted desperately to be remembered for something, but he just couldn't think of any way to do that. One day, he heard some people talking about the cool formulas for figuring out things the sailors were using. How to tell how high a mast should be for a certain amount of sail, stuff like that. The mediocre King thought ... "A Ha!" Then he put his talents to work. He hired a bunch of scribes, sent them all out on the ships for 6 months to a year with pen and paper, and told them to report back as soon as ther ships returned. While out on the ocean, the lubberly scribes observed and noted many new and wonderful things. When they returned the mediocre King locked them up in cells in the dungeon, one by one, as they returned with the valuable info. When they all were back, and he had the notes to compile the Book that would make him famous, and just before he had them all done away with to protect his reputation, he felt a sudden stab of compassion. He gathered them all together in the main torture hall and spoke to them, saying: "You have served me well, and I will allow you a great honor in return - I will let you name this new science, just before I have William here chop your heads off. What name shall the world know this wonderful science by henceforth?" One and all, the poor little doomed scribes whispered " Algae Bra! Algae Bra! "

I don't get it.

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