Here's the rules from the original fan-club constitution, if anyone was wondering:
3. Fighting over her .... A MUST.
4. If your not a fighter a KIND word will do.
Now, more nominations... well, first, we have to finish off Blue Ocean's story. Even if he does kill me off at the drop of a hat...
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#193 by Citizen Blue Ocean - 6/12/2003 8:54:50 PM
If you thought the last part was good . . .
The Voyage - Chapter 3
Blue woke to the smell of smoke and decay, suppressed sunlight streaming through cracks in the metal above him. Groaning, he pushed the cover of the stasis tube down, getting it out of his way. He stood slowly, surveying the carnage around him.
The crash had completely destroyed his ship. There were countless gashes along the side, and the top was completely ripped off. Blue climbed to the edge of the opening and looked around. He was in some kind of swamp, an unpleasant one at that. His ships descent had carved a two mile long path in the trees behind it, but beyond that, there was no way to see further than twenty feet, with the dense undergrowth that surrounded him.
"Blast."
More than a little frustrated, he returned to the stores of his ship, grabbing the emergency rations and his lovingly cared for antimatter Shotgun, which he had bought at a Torian Antimatter weaponry dealer, and his auto-computing global positioning system. He climbed out of the ship, and began walking in the direction his computer told him. Fortunately, he was only about two-hundred miles from his goal. He decided that he could make the trip in ten days, since the swamp ended only twenty miles from here, and the rest was flat plains.
His treck through the swamp quickly became monotonous, with only the sounds of insects to accompany him. Gradually, though, another sound began to infringe on his ears. Intrigued, he began walking toward it. He thought, "No, it can't be. It must be a trick of the air, or something else. That creature can't live here."
However, as he climbed across the last gigantic root in his path, he realized that he was very and painfully wrong. In the pool of murky water just twenty feet ahead of him, he saw a duck, and not just any duck, a slimy, nasty, purple duck. It turned and looked at him, and opened its mouth. Then it quacked these words:
"HUMAN! Bow down and follow me, for I am the Psychic Purple Duck of Skowbo. That which you seek will never accept you, and the best you can hope to do is me. You have a better chance of beating a masochistic game than winning her favor! Follow me! Bow dow-"
He ended here as the muzzle of Blue's antimatter shotgun flashed once.
"Goddammit, I hate ducks." The foul creature's remains sank beneath the surface, hopefully never to be seen again.
The Voyage - Chapter 4
The rest of the journey was uneventful, ending as Blue arrived at a shrine made of stone, resembling one of the ancient Aztec temples on Earth. Strangely, there were two other humans at the shrine when he arrived, one calling himself MM77 (a droid obsession, perhaps?) and the other named Christopher Packer.
"We're the custodians," they said when he arrived.
"COUNTLES OTHERS have come to thiss place to seek what YOU seec," MM77 continued.
Christopher stopped him. "Uh, actually it's only been ten or twenty."
"RIGHT, wahtever."
"May I go in?"
"Certainly," they said in unison. "But we will go with you. We really don't need to guard her, but we go in with everyone anyway. Anything to glimpse her wonder, which never grows commonplace."
"You don't need to guard her?"
Christopher explained, "No, you see, no one ever really bothers her, and she turned the one guy who did into a duck."
"Yeah, we've met."
"Really?"
Blue nodded. "I took care of him."
MM77 clapped his hands excitedly, and said, "There used to be duck statues here, but we took them out after what we like to refer to as 'The Incident.' Who likes ducks anyway, though? All they do is quack quack quack."
They stepped as a group into the inner sanctuary, but words cannot describe what occured there. Blue left the room dazed in wonderment at the creature that had called herself CariElf. This was the divinity that he had been looking for, this was what he sought.
"What do you think?" the custodians asked eagerly.
"I think . . . I can live happily now, knowing there is some sort of ultimate force for good in this world. I cannot stay here, though. I could not bear the beauty of that creature again."
"We know how you feel. We have a couple of spare spaceships here, you can take one."
They bade Blue farewell as he flew off, free to fly the starlanes happily, without the sense of emptiness that had pursued him all his life, and hopefully without any ducks.
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And secondly, this diary extract was a very different style, but it'd be a crime not to nominate it
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#211 by Citizen Killa Koala - 6/13/2003 8:37:05 AM
Lord Terrorstar Vice President Christopher Packer's diary.
2188
29 May
MM77 is acting strangely.
30 May
Today I had words with the Viscountess. Seems my adulation has been a bit down on expectations. Told to bring more chocolate.
31 May
The Princess made us paint the temple white today. Seems she hates yellow with a vengeance. Wow, after Her tirade I wouldn't like to be associated with ANYTHING yellow.
1 June
MM77 acting odd. Saw him reading a dictionary with a puzzled look on his face. I wonder what's wrong?
2 June
That oh-so-smooth talker Gerakken was over today. How can She Who Must Be Obeyed not see through his smarmy oratory? Had to leave when he began chatting in sugary prose whilst sipping pomegranate sherbets with the Goddess. What does she see in him?? Though he IS strikingly handsome. But surely Our Mistress doesn't go for that pegleg? Or...does she??
3 June
Who is 'Blue Ocean'? Saw a video of his latest exploits over in the Altarian sector. Seems pretty mean with a zorcher death ray.
4 June
That flea-ridden, smelly ape that was pathetically hanging around started pawing The Goddess and eating Boogies. Ugh. MM77 saw it to the door quick smart, thank heavens.
Had the Viscountess's favourite meal tonight- Duck a la'orange. Delicious! MM77 has many skills and many spices. Hmm. When I cook, The Lady Above Us All doesn't compliment me on my lambchops and 3 veg.
5 June
There just never seems to be enough time in the day to adulate. How does Acolyte Staffa adulate so much? And don't talk to me about Acolyte Sergey- he seems to adulate two, three times, as much as ANYONE.
6 June
Very odd. Read that MM77 got the Booker Prize for Literature. Must read his sonnets. The Light Of Our Lives loves poetry. I thought I had the market on poetry, but apparently not anymore.
7 June
I must be loyal. I must be loyal. I must be loyal. But, but, but, why does Our Goddess always smile at MM77 and never at ME ! Aren't I Terrorstar VP? I recite WORDSWORTH for sheep's sake! I can spell! I bring only the best vintage Pinots for Her! Most of us can't even understand what the Pres is saying! They ALL like BEER for sheep's sake!!! Why isn't She freaked out? Oh, the pain, the pain.
8 June
Have decided to impress Her by doing that programming course I was thinking of. But wait, I'm hopeless at maths! What can I do. What can I....wait, I have an idea. Let me sleep on it.
9 June
Read MM77's "Ode to Our Lady Of Joy Above Us". I just can't beat that. He is SO original, and so, so, adoring of HER. I can't think. This is killing me.
10 June
Gunner Gerakken was knighted today for services to Our Lady! The One On High actually LIKED his prose: "But what of our appreciation for Her Lady? Is that not a senselessly repeating compulsion? No, it is not. Though it can be repeated, each time is a unique emotional experience in itself. It is an everchanging sensation that defies words or Earthly explanation." Puke! Can you believe it! He's SO COMMON. Mr Lord Veteran **&^%-licker more like it!
11 June
I've decided what to do. Tomorrow is the party. Blue Ocean is in orbit and the Temple's -1 tractor beam will take care of Blue Ocean's dinky little corvette. And I know TheQuack can't resist a tipple or two. He'll start telling one of his long, long, slightly saucy stories and that'll get him in trouble with Our Lady Of Light and Darkness. That will be HIM out of the way. I can hide away on Quack's ship and abduct... no...LIBERATE Her Highness. Off to Norstrilia perhaps. Or that dump of a planet called Wardell. I KNOW she will come to like Pinot and Opera and Ballet and the finer things of life. Perhaps we can even do that cruise she always talks about on, um, The Love Boat. Yep. That's it. I've decided.
12 June
The party is tonight. All my plans are coming to a head. But I must NOT drink. Not even a sip from that special crate of South Island Pinot that Space Wombat and Kiwi Greg so thoughtfully shipped. Yet... Surely just ONE glass will be OK.
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Actually, kudos to everyone involved in the original fan-club thread! I'd like to think it was that thread that got all this off the ground
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