To be honest i don´t think it is a good intro. Why?
A intro (short for introduction, correct me if i am wrong) should introduce you (apparently), but it fails at this regard.
There are a lot of places, events and names mentioned which i do not know and rather then explaining what this game is about it rather confuses me.
To keep this critique constructive i suggest to drop the whole fluff (like W40k fluff), at least in the intro, and keep the intro simple without migrations and strange names ect.